Did you
know there was an effective alternative to marriage
counseling?
Hi. I'm
Mort Fertel, creator of the Marriage Fitness system, an alternative
to marriage counseling.
I've been where you're at and I have answers for you.
Before
I share with you one of my secrets to marriage success (below),
I want to offer you some FREE help and a FREE marriage assessment.
No strings attached. All you have to do is sign-up
in the box to the right and I'll email you both.
After your
free sign-up, you'll go to a web page that'll explain further
how I can help you fix your marriage...without going to marriage
counseling.
Below is
just one of my many ideas that might help you.
You may have recently
decided that professional marriage help is in the best interests
of you and you spouse. Perhaps you are considering marriage
counseling or the latest marital
enrichment techniques.
However,
in your quest to fix your marriage, you may encounter resistance…from
your spouse!
Your spouse
may dwell on the 101 reasons why “this just won't work for us”
and blame you for every one.
Or, your
spouse may be emotionally “checked-out” of the marriage and not
care about your efforts to improve the situation or be willing
to extend any effort of their own.
During
marriage
counseling, there is one question that
inevitably comes up: “How do I get my spouse to change?”
Why would
your spouse resist POSITIVE change in your marriage
and what should you do about it?
There's
a deep-seeded belief in our culture that people resist change,
no matter what. But is this true? Do people really want things
to remain status quo? Do we really not want things to change?
If you
look closely at human nature, it's not change itself we resist;
it' s change that's imposed upon us.
Think about
it. We have no problem with change that we initiate.
But when we feel forced or manipulated to change, then we resist
with all our might.
Your spouse
may not be willing to change for the sake of your marriage right
now, but that's not because your spouse doesn't want a great marriage.
Everyone wants a great marriage. It's because if they're going
to change, they want the change to be their idea!
Before
attempting marriage
counseling
with a spouse opposed to change there is one thing that
needs be to acknowledged. That is the following: Your spouse will
decide to change when they’re ready to change and not one second
before. And the more you push them, urge them, nudge them, ask
them, scream at them, or beg them, the LESS LIKELY they are to
change.
As long
as it's your idea for your spouse to change, then it can't be
their idea. In other words, as long as you occupy the position
of decision-maker, you're in the way of them taking that position
and you're interfering with the result you want.
If you
want your spouse to change, you have to get out of their way!
You have to relinquish the position that you want them to
take. As long as you're vying for your spouse to change, your
spouse will take the alternative stance.
This is
analogous to walking through a door that opens toward you. The
harder the push, the tighter it closes. If you want the door to
open, you have to step back.
I know
this is hard to do because you want to be proactive. You feel
compelled to do something to try to get the results you
want. But the most effective thing you can “do” in this case is
nothing. You have to be patient, wait, and let it come from them.
It IS possible
someone could inspire your spouse to change, but the person LEAST
LIKELY to be the inspiration is YOU. It’s sad but true. A complete
stranger is more likely to get through to your spouse than you
are. A chance experience or encounter is more likely to shake
up your spouse than anything YOU could do. So yes, counseling
and marital advice can help,
but only if your spouse has come to it on their own terms.
Mary Ellen
came to me for marriage coaching phone sessions. She knew she
had to make changes and came to our sessions with a genuine interest
to improve her marriage. She wanted Tom (her husband) to be part
of the process, but he wasn't willing to join her. She had been
asking him to go with her to counseling for over a year. But Tom
consistently refused.
I talked
with Mary Ellen twice and convinced her to back-off Tom for a
while. I counseled her to make changes that created a positive
energy in their relationship. When the time was right, I suggested
that Mary Ellen ask Tom if he would be willing to speak with me
for 10 minutes. Mary Ellen's timing was good. Tom agreed.
Within
the first few minutes of my conversation with Tom he agreed to
join Mary Ellen for marriage coaching sessions.
Why were
we able to get Tom to agree to something in a few minutes that
Mary Ellen alone couldn't get him to do in over a year? There
were 3 other important factors:
1. For the first time in over a year, Mary Ellen
backed-off far enough so that Tom had the opportunity to chose
joint coaching without that choice feeling like a concession to
his wife..
2. Mary Ellen implemented
some positive relationship habits that began to change the marital
environment.
3. The “push” came
from someone other than his wife.
I can't tell you how
many times a spouse will say to me that their husband/wife changed
for a few days, but then returned to their old ways. That's
because they never really decided to change. They were pressured.
They were manipulated. And so it didn't stick.
If you tell your spouse
what to do; it's a challenge. If they decide to do it; it's
a great idea. You have to let it come from them. That's
the only way it'll make a difference long term in your marriage.
Now you're probably
thinking, “Makes sense, but isn't there anything I can do to
encourage my spouse's choice?” YES, there is! One of the counseling
tips I provide in the Marriage Fitness program is: BE THE CHANGE
YOU WANT TO SEE. Begin this journey yourself and let your spouse
see how the choices YOU'RE making impacts how YOU feel about
yourself and your marriage.
Resist the urge to
believe that your marriage won't change until your spouse “gets
with the program.” The love you feel is much more
a result of what you do for your marriage than what
your spouse does for it.
We tend
to think that the love in our marriage is in our spouse's hands.
But it's not. Love is a verb. And if we do it…if we love…then
we feel love. The choice is ours.
Consider
the love you feel for your children. Is it because of everything
they do for you? Of course not. The love you feel for your children
is a result of what you do for them . The love you feel
in your marriage is a result of what you do too.
Furthermore,
there's no better way to inspire your spouse to make the choice
to change than to make that choice yourself. Your actions are
more inspiring than your words. If your spouse sees you changing,
then they're more likely to consider changing too.
Very often
one spouse will come to me for marriage coaching after having
gone to marriage counseling and ask if it makes
sense for them to be coached alone. The answer is absolutely yes!
One spouse can make more than a 50% difference in a marriage.
And that difference is often exactly what will get the other spouse
to begin to engage the marriage renewal process.
It's easy
to confess your spouse's sins. And you're probably correct about
what you're spouse needs to change. But it does no good to be
right. And it's a complete waste of time and energy to focus on
your spouse's problems. There's nothing you can do about it. The
only relevant question is: What's your fixing?
You had
a role in the deterioration of your marriage. I have never seen
a marital situation that is caused by one spouse. There's always
dual responsibility. What can you do to improve the situation?
Reflect
on your past relationships. Do you see a pattern? Look at your
parent's marriage. Are you recreating the model you saw when you
were a child? Have you explored with a professional the childhood
roots of your relationship habits and how they contributed to
your marital circumstances?
Even if
your spouse had an affair, you're partly responsible. That doesn't
mean that it's your fault and it doesn't excuse your spouse's
inappropriate behavior, but the question still remains: What was
your spouse seeking outside your marriage that was not available
within it?
The bottom
line—as Mahatma Gandhi said, "You must be the change you
wish to see..." It's you changing that has the
greatest impact on your experience of your marriage and
it's you changing that is the single most important
thing you can do to motivate your spouse to change.
There's
more FREE advice for you and a FREE marriage assessment. No strings
attached.
Sign-up
in the box to the right and I'll email you both.
After the
free sign-up, you'll go to a web page that'll explain further
how I can help you fix your marriage.
I've been
where you're at and I have answers for you. I'll explain more
in a moment. Do the free sign-up and I'll see you on the next
web page.
