Did
you know there was an effective alternative to marriage
counseling?
Hi. I'm Mort Fertel, creator
of the Marriage Fitness system, an alternative to marriage counseling.
I've been where you're at and I have answers for you.
Before I share with you one of
my secrets to marriage success (below), I want to offer you some FREE
help and a FREE marriage assessment. No strings attached.
All you have to do is sign-up in the box to the right and I'll email
you both.
After your free sign-up,
you'll go to a web page that'll explain further how I can help you fix
your marriage...without going to marriage counseling.
Below is just one of my many
ideas that might help you.
You may have recently decided
that professional marriage help is in the best interests of you and you
spouse. Perhaps you are considering marriage counseling
or the latest marital
enrichment techniques.
However, in your quest to fix
your marriage, you may encounter resistance…from your spouse!
Your spouse may dwell on the
101 reasons why “this just won't work for us” and
blame you for every one.
Or, your spouse may be
emotionally “checked-out” of the marriage and not
care about your efforts to improve the situation or be willing to
extend any effort of their own.
During
marriage
counseling, there is
one question that inevitably comes up: “How do I get my
spouse to change?”
Why would your spouse resist
POSITIVE change in your marriage
and what should you do about it?
There's a deep-seeded belief
in our culture that people resist change, no matter what. But is this
true? Do people really want things to remain status quo? Do we really
not want things to change?
If you look closely at human
nature, it's not change itself we resist; it' s change that's imposed
upon us.
Think about it. We have no
problem with change that we initiate. But when we
feel forced or manipulated to change, then we resist with all our might.
Your spouse may not be willing
to change for the sake of your marriage right now, but that's not
because your spouse doesn't want a great marriage. Everyone wants a
great marriage. It's because if they're going to change, they want the
change to be their idea!
Before
attempting marriage
counseling with a
spouse opposed to change there is one thing that needs be to
acknowledged. That is the following: Your spouse will decide to change
when they’re ready to change and not one second before. And
the more you push them, urge them, nudge them, ask them, scream at
them, or beg them, the LESS LIKELY they are to change.
As long as it's your idea for
your spouse to change, then it can't be their idea. In other words, as
long as you occupy the position of decision-maker, you're in the way of
them taking that position and you're interfering with the result you
want.
If you want your spouse to
change, you have to get out of their way! You
have to relinquish the position that you want them to take. As long as
you're vying for your spouse to change, your spouse will take the
alternative stance.
This is analogous to walking
through a door that opens toward you. The harder the push, the tighter
it closes. If you want the door to open, you have to step back.
I know this is hard to do
because you want to be proactive. You feel compelled to do
something to try to get the results you want. But the most
effective thing you can “do” in this case is
nothing. You have to be patient, wait, and let it come from them.
It IS possible someone could
inspire your spouse to change, but the person LEAST LIKELY to be the
inspiration is YOU. It’s sad but true. A complete stranger is
more likely to get through to your spouse than you are. A chance
experience or encounter is more likely to shake up your spouse than
anything YOU could do. So yes, counseling and marital advice can
help, but only if your spouse has come to it on their own terms.
Mary Ellen came to me for
marriage coaching phone sessions. She knew she had to make changes and
came to our sessions with a genuine interest to improve her marriage.
She wanted Tom (her husband) to be part of the process, but he wasn't
willing to join her. She had been asking him to go with her to
counseling for over a year. But Tom consistently refused.
I talked with Mary Ellen twice
and convinced her to back-off Tom for a while. I counseled her to make
changes that created a positive energy in their relationship. When the
time was right, I suggested that Mary Ellen ask Tom if he would be
willing to speak with me for 10 minutes. Mary Ellen's timing was good.
Tom agreed.
Within
the first few minutes of my conversation with Tom he agreed to join
Mary Ellen for marriage coaching sessions.
Why
were we able to get Tom to agree to something in a few minutes that
Mary Ellen alone couldn't get him to do in over a year? There were 3
other important factors:
1. For the first time in
over a year, Mary Ellen backed-off far enough so that Tom had the
opportunity to chose joint coaching without that choice feeling like a
concession to his wife..
2. Mary Ellen
implemented some positive relationship habits that began to change the
marital environment.
3. The “push” came from
someone other than his wife.
I can't tell you how many times a spouse will say
to me that their husband/wife changed for a few days, but then returned
to their old ways. That's because they never really decided to change.
They were pressured. They were manipulated. And so it didn't stick.
If you tell your spouse what to do; it's a
challenge. If they decide to do it; it's a great idea. You
have to let it come from them. That's the only way it'll
make a difference long term in your marriage.
Now you're probably thinking, “Makes
sense, but isn't there anything I can do to encourage my spouse's
choice?” YES, there is! One of the counseling tips I provide
in the Marriage Fitness program is: BE THE CHANGE YOU WANT TO SEE.
Begin this journey yourself and let your spouse see how the choices
YOU'RE making impacts how YOU feel about yourself and your marriage.
Resist the urge
to believe that your marriage won't change until your spouse
“gets with the program.” The love you
feel is much more a result of what you do for
your marriage than what your spouse does for it.
We tend to think that the love
in our marriage is in our spouse's hands. But it's not. Love is a verb.
And if we do it…if we love…then we feel love. The
choice is ours.
Consider the love you feel for
your children. Is it because of everything they do for you? Of course
not. The love you feel for your children is a result of what you
do for them . The love you feel in your marriage is a
result of what you do too.
Furthermore, there's no better
way to inspire your spouse to make the choice to change than to make
that choice yourself. Your actions are more inspiring than your words.
If your spouse sees you changing, then they're more likely to consider
changing too.
Very often one spouse will
come to me for marriage coaching after having gone to marriage
counseling and ask if it makes sense for them to be
coached alone. The answer is absolutely yes! One spouse can make more
than a 50% difference in a marriage. And that difference is often
exactly what will get the other spouse to begin to engage the marriage
renewal process.
It's easy to confess your
spouse's sins. And you're probably correct about what you're spouse
needs to change. But it does no good to be right. And it's a complete
waste of time and energy to focus on your spouse's problems. There's
nothing you can do about it. The only relevant question is: What's your
fixing?
You had a role in the
deterioration of your marriage. I have never seen a marital situation
that is caused by one spouse. There's always dual responsibility. What
can you do to improve the situation?
Reflect on your past
relationships. Do you see a pattern? Look at your parent's marriage.
Are you recreating the model you saw when you were a child? Have you
explored with a professional the childhood roots of your relationship
habits and how they contributed to your marital circumstances?
Even if your spouse had an
affair, you're partly responsible. That doesn't mean that it's your
fault and it doesn't excuse your spouse's inappropriate behavior, but
the question still remains: What was your spouse seeking outside your
marriage that was not available within it?
The bottom line—as
Mahatma Gandhi said, "You must be the change you wish to see..." It's you
changing that has the greatest impact on your
experience of your marriage and it's you
changing that is the single most important thing you can do to motivate
your spouse to change.
There's more FREE advice for
you and a FREE marriage assessment. No strings attached.
Sign-up in the box to the
right and I'll email you both.
After the free sign-up, you'll
go to a web page that'll explain further how I can help you fix your
marriage.
I've
been where you're at and I have answers for you. I'll explain more in a
moment. Do the free sign-up and I'll see you on the next web page.
