Are
you trying to repair your marriage?
 Hi.
I'm Mort Fertel, creator of the Marriage Fitness system of marriage
renewal.
I've been
where you're at and I have answers for you.
Before
I share with you one of my secrets to marriage
success (below), I want to offer you some FREE help and a FREE
marriage assessment. No strings attached. All
you have to do is sign-up in the box to the right and I'll email
you both.
After the
free sign-up, you'll go to a web page that'll explain further
how I can help you fix your marriage.
Here's
just one of my many ideas that might help you.
Renewing
your marriage is like training for a gold medal—it
takes 2 kinds of commitment. It takes commitment to do some things
AND a commitment to AVOID doing others.
Your marriage
is like your physical fitness. Physical fitness isn't just about
adding elements that improve your health, like exercise and more
fruits and vegetables. It's also about SUBTRACTING elements that
are NOT compatible with your goal. Could you really call yourself
“healthy” if you exercised faithfully but continued to smoke or
eat at fast food restaurants?
If you
want to successfully renew your marriage, you
have to STOP certain activities that are unhealthy for your relationship.
“Stop doing
what?” you might ask. You can get lots of detailed instruction
in Chapter 7 of Marriage Fitness about how to refrain from the
activities most harmful to your marriage, but
for now your task is to pick one thing OF YOUR CHOICE. What one
thing, if you refrained from doing it, would improve your marriage?
What one thing are YOU doing that's unhealthy for your relationship?
Pick one thing and begin refraining from it today.
Not sure what
to pick. Ask yourself the following questions.
Is your spouse
troubled by an emotional connection you have with someone else?
Is your spouse uncomfortable with physical contact you have with
your opposite-sex friends? Does your spouse feel that you give
more attention to the TV than you do them?
Is your intimacy
with someone else interfering with the potential intimacy you
could have with your spouse? (physically or emotionally)
Is your spouse
uncomfortable with the intensity of your relationship with your
mother, father, brother, sister, or aunt? Do you spend too much
time and energy on work, a hobby, or with a particular person?
If you
answered “no” to the questions in the above paragraphs, think
deeper. Are you sure the answers are “no”? Do yourself a favor;
ASK YOUR SPOUSE those same questions! I bet you'll be surprised
by the answers. If you couldn't think of anything to refrain from
doing that would improve your marriage, I bet
your spouse can suggest something. Ask your spouse!
In the
public seminars I do with couples, I ask people to raise their
hand if they know of something they could REFRAIN from doing that
would improve their marriage. Usually, very few hands go up. I
then ask people to raise their hand if they know of something
THEIR SPOUSE does that if they refrained from doing would make
a big difference in their marriage. Usually,
almost every hand goes up.
If you
and your spouse were in a marriage coaching session
with me, what would I discover that YOU are doing that's inhibiting
the success of your marriage?
Tami (name
changed) came to me for marriage coaching because
she was uncomfortable with the relationship that her husband,
Andy (name changed), had with one of his work colleagues. She
was convinced that it wasn't sexual, but the way they giggled
together and sometimes touched felt invasive to her.
So I asked
to have an appointment with Andy. He agreed. I talked privately
with Andy about his marriage and his relationship with this woman.
Tami was right. It was not sexual. They were just friends.
I asked
Andy what he enjoyed most about his relationship with his work
colleague. Predictably, he said, “We have fun. When we're together,
we laugh.”
“Do you
like to laugh?” I asked.
“Yes, I
need the release occasionally. Things at home and work are so
serious,” Andy replied.
“Do you
ever play and giggle with Tami,” I asked.
“No, we're
not like that together,” Andy said.
“But it
sounds like you need that in your life,” I said.
“I do.
But I don't get it at home,” Andy said.
“Andy, you
don't get it at home because you don't need it by the time you
get home. Your friend at work is fulfilling you in this regard.
And your wife feels violated. You're being emotionally unfaithful!”
I explained.
“How would
you like to connect and giggle with Tami like you connect and
giggle with your friend?” I asked.
“I would love
it,” Andy said. “But it doesn't happen with Tami.”
“It doesn't
happen with Tami because you don't need it to happen with her.
Create the need and YOU will make it happen,” I suggested.
In this
case, I convinced Andy to tone down his relationship at work and
create the need for laughter in his life to be fulfilled MOSTLY
by his wife. It worked and this one adjustment transformed their
marriage.
By the
way, I heard from Andy that the other woman’s marriage
was also transformed. She also was getting a need fulfilled from
Andy that was robbing her and her husband of an opportunity to
connect in their marriage.
Refraining
from any of the following might improve your marriage:
- a friendship
that your spouse feels is emotionally unfaithful
- flirting
- TV watching
- computer
game playing
- a hobby
or interest
- excessive
work hours
- excessively
friendly touching, hugging, or kissing of friends
The above
are just a few examples of behaviors that can interfere with the
happiness of your marriage. If you can’t think
of something you can refrain from doing that will improve your
marriage, go over the above list with your spouse. (Or, it’s more
than likely they can help pick one for you!)
This marriage
exercise can be particularly challenging. As difficult as it is
to begin a new discipline, it's usually more difficult to break
old habits. Not an easy matter. And that's why this topic gets
a lot of attention in the Marriage Fitness Tele-Boot Camp™, where
I help you identify the actions harming your marriage and I give
you the support you need to refrain from them or at least curtail
them.
I’ll end
with some food for thought. Which would you regret more: refraining
from behaviors that interfere with your ability to connect to
your spouse or giving up the chance to have a lasting healthy
marriage?
Once
again, I have much more FREE advice for you and a FREE marriage
assessment. No strings attached.
Sign-up
in the box to the right and I'll email you both.
After the
free sign-up, you'll go to a web page that'll explain further
how I can help you fix your marriage.
I've been
where you're at and I have answers for you. I'll explain more
in a moment. Do the free sign-up and I'll see you on the next
web page.
Marriage
Fitness with Mort Fertel
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